I got a lot of emails yesterday
some pleased for the cooking advice
(I was worried it was too Gwyneth Paltrow’ ha!)
but so many asking for me to hit the button
on my mental wealth posts
I’m actually ok with the talking about
the different breeds of craziness and darkness
the hard part is how I get it started
You see for me to tell you I am authoritive
on this subject
that I actually do understand
and know how you feel
I kinda have to tell you my story
It’s not like I keep it a secret
everyone who has met me usually gets told
the worst parts within minutes of meeting me
it’s a defensive mechanism
if you have a problem with it?
bugger off now before I get to know you
so I don’t get hurt later
All day I’ve been thinking should I do it?
I mean, once I send
it’s out there for good
which doesn’t help with the paranoia
However, I have been stable for 5 years
(as much as you can call me stable:-))
and I can choose the bits to reveal
and the bits to keep to myself
and all the responses today have said
that I might be able to help someone…
My illness at times has been severe
it hasn’t gone away
I’m on enough medication to keep it at bay
(and enough to floor an elephant)
it won’t ever go away
it’s genetic (a bit like a form of brain damage)
but what can I tell you that will help?
will I tell you about wanting to die
for every day years on end
googling websites at work
telling you the best way to do it
and then giving it a try later that evening
will I tell you about the fear
scared to leave the house because people can watch you
scared to stay in the house because something
is hiding behind the couch
scared to put the t.v. on – scared of the silence
scared to be awake and scared to be asleep
will I tell you about the schizophrenia
hearing electricity speak to me
thinking my cat was possessed by an alien
accusing my male work colleagues
of looking at naked pictures of me online
will I tell you about the mania
when I weeded the garden at 1am with a head torch
when I took on enough jobs to fill the 24 hour clock
forgetting that I should have sleep time
and spending money like I was a millionaire
will I tell you about the self harm
that isn’t cutting your arms
but punishing yourself by not eating
having drink and drug addictions
never allowing you to like yourself
instead loathing, hatred and disgust
will I tell you about the destructive relationships
being attracted to low life scum bags
that will bleed you dry and abuse you
because you don’t believe you deserve any better
will I tell you about the utter desperation
of wanting to be normal
to have all of these things go away
and everyone saying it takes time
will I tell you about the endless torture
of not knowing what to do next
and no way to escape your head
except die
I so want to tell you all these things
and make you laugh
(we can laugh now as I feel normal)
I don’t want this to me about me
but do you know what finally made me send this?
I realised…
what if YOU right now
feel this way?
what if you are scared to talk to someone
because the way you feel is ‘taboo’
you are frightened you will be detained
in a psychiatric hospital
you don’t want to go on medication
in case you become a different person
(you don’t)
I need you to know that there are some great drugs
(prescription ones :-))
that can help
that a stay (or 20) in hospital can be a respite
(they can also give you stronger meds in there)
it’s possible to some day have a life
where you can be more like a normal person
without the madness in your head
and if you DO feel this way
get in touch with me
one nutter to another 🙂
I’ll be following this up with practical info and advice on everything Mental Wealth related
and probably send one a week so they are not too heavy going
Carolyne
